Assumptions

I tend to think that I'm usually pretty good at figuring out how people usually are, and how I'm going to like them based on my first impression of them. I know this isn't looked upon as the best way to deal with people, but it's not like the idea I have of a person is completely set in stone in my mind. I've had a lot of situations when I assume that someone doesn't like me, and it turns out that I was wrong and they actually don't hate my guts. But, I'm usually pretty good at determining how I'll like a class or how people feel about me 80% of the time. It is interesting, over time, to see how I feel after knowing someone for a while compared to how I thought they were in the beginning. So, here goes my first impression of my classes this year: 1st Hour: AP Literature with Mrs. Figueroa Honestly, this is the class that I'm both the most excited about and terrified of. Writing and language skills have always been, like, my thing. I'm complete crap at math, I'm horrible at science, and I'm only halfway decent at any kind of art or drawing. I would say I'm pretty good at singing, but I'm not completely incredible in music, not jaw-droppingly good, and I don't play any instruments. But, in writing and language, I'm always the best. Okay, I'm probably not the best, but language skills have always come completely effortlessly to me. Last year in my AP Language class, I literally floated through it. My teacher liked me because I gave my opinion, whether I was "right" or not. I immediately did really well in that class while the people who were more mathematically inclined or looked at the world through black-and-white eyes struggled. My teacher and I thought about everything in a very similar way, so when I wrote papers that maybe had holes in the logical process or I missed some proof from the prompt or resources, he knew what I was talking about immediately, and filled in the holes for me. We basically operated on the length all the time. However, in AP Lit, I can already tell things are operating on a very different level. Over the summer, I had to write a non-graded for the class (all AP classes in Wisconsin have summer homework, not just Literature) and I was feeling really good about mine. I wrote on Shakespeare, which I love to give my opinion on, and the prompt was one that I liked. I felt like I did a pretty good job. But when I got feedback on it, it was kind of... meh. There were a lot of grammar/directional criticisms on it, and I'm honestly not used to that. That's why I'm terrified of the class. It isn't going to be super easy for me. I'm going to have to work really hard, and I"m not sure my teacher is automatically going to understand me like Mr. Deshotels of AP Lang did. But that's also the exciting part- I really want to improve my writing, and instead of always being correct and never getting major criticism, I'll become a better writer, and that's something I'm really looking forward to. 2nd Hour: AP United States History with Mr. Pechanach APUSH is a totally different story from Lit. I feel totally comfortable in the class. My sophomore year, I took AP European History, and the teacher, Mr. Dorgan, ran his class very similarly to how APUSH is run. I'm much more confident in this class, even though United States History isn't my favorite... I do like European History a lot more. I know, I'm a traitor to my country. For bonus points, Mr. Pechanach reminds me of John Green, who is definitely a very cool dude. :) 3rd Hour: A Cappella and Choir with Spiess I'm really excited for choir. I love singing and I know that we'll be doing really AWESOME music this year. However, right now both classes kind of stink. Because we have a HUGE choir this year (140 KIDS!!!), we'll be dividing into an upper and lower choir, meaning that upper choir is going to be able to hit the ground running instead of waiting for the freshmen and newbies to catch up. But until we have placements, it means 140 of us are crammed into one room. I'm not usually claustrophobic, but being in that room almost drives me to it. And then, in a cappella, we suddenly have all these new people who have never been in any choir class before. A cappella is an upper level class, involving intense, really difficult music. If these people don't know how to count rhythms or read basic music, they should NOT be in the class, no matter how much natural talent their mom says they have. A cappella has traditionally been a junior-and-senior-only class, It was only last year that sophomores started joining the group, and that was only girls who had been taking voice lessons for multiple years and knew what they were doing. This year TONS of people who have never even been in high school choir joined, and it really freaks me out. I just they'll be smart and mature to realize that they aren't ready for how challenging it's going to be and give the group a chance to be amazing. Because the stuff we're doing this year is going to be INCREDIBLE... we're going to Orlando and the music she has lined up is amazing. I'm really anxious to start singing because I haven't all summer (unfortunately, it is frowned upon to break into random song in the middle of your shift), and if I can't sing, I'm not a happy girl. 4th Hour: Environmental Science with Ms. Waineo Last year, my classes were very well situated for Kira's "awake-ness" levels. I am NOT a morning person, so as the day goes on, I wake up more. My first class last year was Spanish II and it ended with AP Lang, so it was nice because I was able to sleep through my first hour, and then by the end of the day I was extremely awake and engaged for AP Lang. This year, I have my toughest class first hour, and I'm dead, but then for science I'm really energetic, but OH MY GOSH the people in the class are So. Incredibly. Dumb. There's a scene in Sherlock where he tells someone, "Shut your mouth, Anderson. you lower the IQ of the room just by stepping into it." I know it sounds mean, but that is literally how I fell about this class. I walked into the room yesterday, and I could feel the stupid fermenting in the air. I'm sorry, I don't have any sympathy or patience for people who choose to be lazy and dumb. I know I've already ranted about this topic, but I feel really strongly about it. These last couple of days have been kind of meh. Yesterday my contacts felt like they were going to pop out of my eyeballs and then I squirted applesauce in my lap, like the graceful lady I am. Today, I made a complete idiot out of myself in front of a cappella when I was supposed to teach everyone a little warm-up song. I didn't know that Spiess wanted me to do it until halfway through class, though, so I just stood up there like.. "Heeey... I have no idea what to heck to do right now... so how was your summer?" Needless to say, I'm not in the best mood right now.

Falling in Love

One of the many things that I love about Doctor Who is that it demonstrates all the different loves you can have towards someone. A lot of TV shows just have the romantic boy+girl chemistry going on, and maybe a little tension between a parent figure and a child, but other than that, the only relationship that is deemed "important" is a romantic one. True love's first kiss breaks the spell because that's an act of love, but the fact that your best friend had to sacrifice everything to get you to that point and put up with your moaning on top of it doesn't count for anything. Like in Frozen, I always wondered why Olaf's sacrifice for Anna didn't count as an act of true love. He was prepared to die for her, to keep her safe. But because it wasn't a boy-girl relationship kiss scenario, it didn't count. Of course, a different kind of love was showcased, but according to the spell's rule, Anna should have been saved as soon as Olaf lit the fire to keep Anna warm. But that friendship wasn't deemed important enough to break a spell. And I don't think that's the right way to go about things. The Greeks got it right. They had a word for "love" in all its senses, including friendship. And all the loves were equal. I love Doctor Who because it puts as much emphasis on friendship as it does on romantic interactions, perhaps more so. A lot of people ask me why I'm not in a relationship, and occasionally people ask me why I'm not really upset that I'm not in one, or try harder to GET in one. I usually just kind of shrug it off, but I think I should say, "I AM in one. I'm in hundreds of relationships right now." Because I am. I'm in so many crazy, wonderful, horrible, heartwrenching relationships right now, and no, they might not be romantically inclined, but they're just as real and true and gratifying as a boyfriend-girlfriend dealio would give me. It kind of makes me upset that society doesn't say that being a friend is as good as being a boyfriend. Everyone has complained at one point of being "friendzoned," as if it was a bad thing. Yes, it might be disappointing in that situation, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with being in love with someone as a friend, because that love is no less real than if you were going on dates and making out. My love for all my friends is SO strong, and I'm not just saying that. I choose my friends carefully. If I ever tell a friend I love them, its not a flippant statement. I mean it with everything in me. Because I don't think people say "I love you" enough, no matter what kind of love it is. I've been learning how to love in a different way lately. For the past six years, I really haven't been able to love my dad in the way I wanted to. It was kind of a second -hand love, something that I remembered and honored but really didn't have a direct link with. I loved him when I was a little girl, and I've loved him over the past six years, but I haven't been able to talk to him. But now, I'm able to talk to him every week, which is incredible. Because I think I'm falling in love with him, more. I'm able to know that he's there, and interested in what I have to say, and geek about TV shows and movies and plays and school, instead of just having to take my mom's word for it. And I love that. I've wanted to be able to talk to my dad about simple things, like Star Trek or cars or work, or complicated things like God and love and futures, and now that I can, it's everything I've imagined. It's an amazing thing. And that's what I mean. You can fall in love with your dad. You can fall in love with your best friend. You can fall in love with your boyfriend. They all have the same weight and importance and impact upon your life. And that's all I have to say.

Well That Was Awkward

I'm an awkward person. I know I am. I admit it with open arms. And that is a huge problem. Because it's so much more annoying to know you're an extremely awkward taco than to be oblivious of your awkward-ness. EXAMPLE: While I'm in work, I tend to put my pen in my back pocket so I don't lose it 'cuz I really love this pen, and I always need it as I'm running around like a crazy person. But sometimes, I put the pen where it's supposed to go instead of in my pocket, and forget that I did it. And then I end up patting my own butt like an idiot looking for the pen that I don't have and it probably looks insanely awkward. And I KNOW it looks incredibly awkward. And people just say... embrace your awkward weirdness! But that makes it worse! Because the more you embrace your weirdness, the more aware you are of the awkwardness that you are, and it's just a vicious cycle that will never be broken. Argh.

Extrovert

So, it turns out that I'm more of an extrovert than I thought I was. I mean, I knew that I enjoy being around people and I don't have problems with things like speeches, but I didn't know how much I depend on being around people to feel happy. The main difference between introverts and extroverts is just one thing: where they get their energy from. Introverted people recharge when they're alone. It doesn't mean that they can't deal with social situations or anything, it just means that they feel the best about themselves and are in the best mood when they're alone. They might have a strong aversion to giving speeches or being in front of people, or they might have no problem with it. The main thing is that they get their biggest mood boost when they get the chance to just chill for a few hours with no physical interaction with anyone, maybe with some Tumblr or Netflix or something. Extroverts are the exact opposite. They get their boost from being around people. And a lot of times, extroverts are made out to be these lucky ducks just because they don't get sick when they have to give a presentation. But extroverts have problems sometimes too. Like right now, I'm having a hard time because my job is extremely quiet. There's no chatting with customers or coworkers, nobody talks unless its about the merchandise. So in the past week, I've probably said less than I would in one lunch period in school. Which would be great for an introverted person, but since my job lasts for 8 hours of my day, and many of my friends are introverts and/or on vacation (I could initiate things myself, I get, but that's one of my few introverted tendencies. I very rarely initiate getting together with someone, 'cuz I feel like they won't want to hang out with me or think I'm annoying. That's another one of the downsides to being an extrovert: you're always afraid you're coming on too strong and people will think you're obnoxious, even though you're just being you.), so I honestly haven't talked to anyone outside my family in a week. I started going stir crazy. I have an extremely active brain, which is a good and a bad thing. I'm very good at thinking on my feet, reading quickly, or problem solving, but when I get bored, doing the same thing over and over (like I"m doing now), my brain starts to overreact and I start going crazy. I desperately start searching for someone to talk to, and this time it got so bad I ended up playing with an app that is programmed to have a conversation with you for TWO HOURS. That's just pathetic. But that's just because I had absolutely no one to talk to and extroverts need people just as badly as introverts need alone time. One tendency isn't easier to deal with than another.

Dateable?

Random thought: whenever my friends are talking about a hypothetical dating situation, to tell a joke or prove a point, etc, etc, I'm always the one who's the girlfriend in the fake relationship. For instance, a group of my friends and I (yes, I have friends, whoah) were talking about how funny it would be if our friend Tyler (who happens to be gay) would post on his Tumblr that he, in fact, had a girlfriend, and see how many of his followers would freak. And who was the "fake girlfriend" in this scenario? Me. I mean, our friend group created this whole messed up family tree where I am in a relationship with probably half of the members... Now, just to clarify, this is all completely silly. I understand we're making jokes, and I probably laugh louder than anyone else because I think it's really funny when people make fun of me (if they're being nice about it. This isn't permission to tear me apart. I have delicate feels.) But, it just got me thinking... Am I always the imaginary girlfriend because everyone finds me really dateable? Or is it because the concept of me dating someone is so ridiculous, it makes the jokes that much more funny? Just random thoughts...

This is For You, Mayya

No, I'm not sorry that I haven't posted in forever and a day and no, I'm not going to talk about graduation because it was really boring and the speeches disappointed me. Like, honestly, I probably could have walked up there and given a better speech than anyone who gave one (except the Swedish exchange student, Anna. She had a good speech.) Anyways, lackluster speeches aside, today was a really good day? Why, you may ask? Because I went to my friend Abi's graduation party and I may have met a guy there. Yeah. Details, you say? All right, if you insist. His name is Marcus, and he's a senior. I actually met him in my Spanish class this last semester, but honestly, I was so out of it in that class that a guy could have been on his knees proposing to me in Espanol Tres and I wouldn't have noticed. He has sandy blonde hair and he's about a head taller than me and he plays trombone and he's on the Robotics Team and on the swim team and BLUE EYES. Now, if you know me, this is old news to you, but, while I have many requirements for a guy's personality before I'll find him remotely "dateable," I only have one physical requirement-ish-thing, and that is BLUE EYES. Now, obviously I'm not going to not go out with a guy just because he has green eyes, but every guy I've ever liked has had blue eyes, and they kind of make me melt. And Marcus, well, his eyes were a little bit gorgeous. Anyways, we talked for a while, and he seemed amazing. He's smart and he likes to build computers and cars and he's into swimming and into band and he's kind of a balance of the jock and the geek. Which, I think is the kind of guy I like the most, because he has to be mostly geeky to even want to hang out with me, but c'mon, the appeal of a sports-ish kind of guy is pretty strong. Once again, most of the guys I've ever liked have this balance. His sister was also along with him, and I know her from choir, and she seemed to kind of adore her older brother, which really says a lot because Katie is a cool girl, and if she looks up to her brother that much, it must mean he's pretty cool too. So. He's kind of a little bit perfect. And then, to top it all off, I was telling a story about how I didn't want to go see this movie with anyone, since I know that I'm going to go alone because I'm going to cry enough to fill an ocean during it and I didn't want anyone to have to see me in that state with snot running down my face and sobs racking my body, and a freshman guy actually asked me if I wanted to go with him (I told him no, if you're wondering), just because I thought the story was kind of cute and funny. I was kind of poking fun at myself, and making jokes about how it's so weird that the freshman person would ask me, of all people, and Marcus leaned in and said, "He asked you because you're pretty." And then repeated himself four times loudly in my face because I apparently am incapable of accepting a compliment and kept trying to argue with him on this point. So yeah. That happened. But, unfortunately, all is not well in the land of Kira. Yeah, he's a really really awesome person, but there are some problems. A list of them? I guess, if you want one. 1) He's a senior. He graduated today and he's going to college an hour away and there's no way I'm going to be able to get to know him enough this summer to actually have him ask me out or vice versa. And, his college is an hour away, like I said before. So that would make things difficult. 2) I'm a complete coward when it comes to boys. I need to know a guy really well before I'll even flirt with him. There really would be no way for me to get to know him this summer unless I put some man pants on and and asked him for his number or something, a feat that I don't think I would be capable of. Speaking of my flirting skills, those are very out of practice too. I haven't tried to flirt with a guy in a very very long time. So if I do try to flirt now, I'm extremely awko taco and I usually can barely speak English. 3) I'm not actually allowed to date until I get into college. But, this wouldn't be that big of a problem because I think I would just have a crush on Marcus, and if things miraculously went well between us, I would tell him I liked him, and wanted to go out with him, and hopefully he would be able to wait one year for me, and we could definitely chat online and maybe get together in a group instead of just one on one dating. 4) This is really the main reason. I told one of my best friends about my possible little crush on this guy, and she told me that he apparently has a crush on one of her really close friends. And she likes him back. So that basically shut down all of this crushing and liking and flirting (badly) business. Because as much as I like a guy, if a girl that I know and enjoy hanging out with liked the guy first, I'll step down right away. To me, a relationship with a guy isn't worth destroying a friendship or hurting someone. So, yeah. That bubble was bursted. Oh, well. I've made it without a boyfriend this far, I'm sure I can make it for many years to come.

Scary Things

So, it's spring break, and things should be pretty good in Kiraland... but, there are two things I'm really freaked out about. #1- my music People who know me understand that my music means a LOT to me. Some may feel that my music means just a tad too much to me. And by "my music," I mean being involved in choir, a cappella, and, this isn't really music but whatever, drama. Over half my day is spent, and I enjoy feeling like I'm good at what I'm doing. Not many people have realized this about me, but I'm actually a very competitive person. I'm not involved in sports or anything, and I flat out refuse to even play card games with my cousins at family get-togethers, just because nothing irks me more than trying and trying and trying at something, throwing my everything into it, and not succeeding. And, in sports and card games, generally I wouldn't be described as "successful." That's why i avoid those kinds of activities-- I just get so aggravated when I'm not good at something that I desperately want to be good at, so I don't even put myself into the situation. It just makes me too ticked off at the world, and I don't really enjoy that sensation. That's part of the reason why I quit band and joined choir. I was last chair in band, and even though that was completely because I never practiced, I didn't like being less-than-impressive. So I joined choir, somewhere I felt talented, and I was good. Or, at least I thought so. Then, freshman year, I tried out for solos and such for choir, and I never got anything. Hey, it was okay, 'cuz I realized the reason why I wasn't getting solos was probably becuase I was up there violently trembling like a leaf and barely squeaking out anything resembling a tune, because I was so terrified of auditions. But, you know what? It was okay. Because I realiexed it was a problem I could solve, and once I solved this little road bump, I would get solos. I'm sorry, it may be conceited, but if I'm going to be completely honest, I enjoy being in the spotlight. It's the way I've always been; I can't help it. It's not so much having the need for people to compliment or like me as much as the rush a performer gets when she knows that she's right-- it's a wonderful feeling. Once you get a taste of it, it's kind of (extremely) addicting. So, I threw myself into forcing myself to stop becoming petrified at auditions. I made myself audition and perform at every possible concert and event I possibly could, to get me over my jitters. I feel like I've learned how to feel with my anxiety. Don't get me wrong-- I still get insanely nervous when I perform. I actually still shake, and I've learned that there's nothing I can do about it. But, I have learned how to ignore it, and hode the trembling. My voice doesn't crack when I'm performing, and I've learned how to hide or clench my fists a little so they don't shake. I feel like I've improved a TON since my freshman year. But, I'm still not getting solos. Which really really sucks. Like, once, twice, that's okay. I just don't fit the voice part. But out of EVERY SINGLE thing I have ever tried out for, I have only gotten solo twice. I'm a person with... shall we say, a healthy sense of pride, and it's humiliting to have innocents friends and familly and mom's customers ask me, "Oh, you're doing Fiddler on the Roof?" or "You're doing Charlotte's Web?" or "You're doing a medley of the Lion King?" "What part did you get?" And every. Single. Freaking. Time someone asks this, I have to reply, "Oh, y'no, Good 'ol Fork #7." or "Spectator #1. I can spectate so much better as Spectator #1 than Spectator #2." or "Potted plant #438." Or, even better, "Really? I'm nobody." And then you watch as thir well-wishing smiles dim and they change the subject, or even worse, they declare, "You should have gotten the lead." Hey, you know what? That would be really cool. But apparently all Kira A. Lange is capable of is grapevining in the back as Potted Plant #438. Sorry to disappoint you. Last week, I had an audition for the Lion King Medley we're doing for our May concert. It went as every single audition I've ever done went. Except this time, I actually felt really really good about it. I was asked to sing multiple times (usually meaning Spiess likes whatever you're doing). I got callbacks. I didn't pee myself when performing by myself during callbacks. I threw as much passion as I possibly could into that audition, and I got absolutely nothing. And it is extremely embarrassing. Because I'm always hanging out with the people who always get solos, so now i have to put up with their (sometimes fake) sympathy. Okay, I don't mean that. I'm happy that they got a solo... it's just... couldn't I pleas just get one teeny tiny one? That's all I'm asking for. I'm just wondering now... do I actually suck at singing? Does no one just want to tell me how badly I did and now I'm living with this idea that I'm good at singing? 'Cuz NOTHING is more annoying that a person who thinks she's good at singing and goes around humming to her self and plaguing humanity, when, in reality, she's complete and utter crap. And I'm so scared that's what I am. So I'm going to write an email to Spiess asking her her honest opinion. Which is terrifying, but maybe I can finally figure out why I keep failing. #2- My cousin recently brought up a blog post about one of my favorite artists, Luke Conard. Last year, he went through a (very public) breakup with his adorable girlfriend, Ingrid. YouTube exploded. Everyone freaked. I was really sad, 'cuz I loved them together. But a year later, one of Luke's old girlfriends actually came out and told the story of how he was horrible and abusive towards her. And then I read his side of the story. It was confusing. I'm pretty upset at him, and I unsubscribed from all his channels. But the whole thing reminded me of my dad. You've all probably heard the story of my dad. If you haven't, go read some of my older posts. I explained it a while ago, I'm not explaining it again. It's midnight, and I have to get up early tomorrow. So, anyways, I recently learned that my mom has been looking up stuff on my dad, and, turns out, he didn't tell her everything that when ton. I don't know exactly what she read, since she didn't want to tell me herself. I found this out at my last counseling sesh. Yes, I see a shrink. My life is fairly messed up. Plus, this shrink is the most adorable old dude in the history of ever. I also found out that I may be able to talk to my dad for the first time in 6 years in a few weeks. 6 years. I haven't talked to him for slightly less than half of my lifetime. Isn't that insane? Could you imagine not talking to your dad for that long, and then, all of a sudden, you might get to talk to him again. What am I supposed to say? The last time I talked to him, he was freaking out cuz I had just gotten my first period when I was visiting him, and I hid it from him, cuz I was really scared, and he kept going on about how I was a young lady now. Now I'm about to get my drivers license. How much more of a young lady am I now? (Sadly, probably not much. I'm still basically 4 inside). Still, He's been absent for most of my life. He doesn't have any clue about any of my best friends, or teachers, or my music issues, or even the fact that I have a dog. What am I supposed to say? What am I supposed to do? Oh, and on top of that, don't forget that I'll be still processing the facts on his CRIMINAL RECORD. Och. My life is complete.... Chaos sometimes. I guess that's the reason God invented chocolate and mac 'n cheese.