New Semester

So... I'm sitting in Civics and Economics.... and it doesn't seem too bad. I have Civics 2nd hour, and Mr. Roth seems pretty cool. He's already teased Tim and Erin Russell about how there's no way they're twins and how it would be really weird of they ended up dating (they are actually twins, and it would be twincest if they started dating... ew.), and he's talking to us about his fiancee Whitney right now. So... I'm glad I have a cool teacher for Civics, because otherwise it would be extremely painful. Speaking of extremely painful, Physics is going to be absolute torture. I was actually somewhat excited about Physics, because I thought I was going to have Moeller, your typical eccentric science teacher that everyone knows and loves, but he's getting older so Hamilton decided to hire another Physics teacher (i don't think Moeller is too happy about this decision... the new teacher, Goetsch, is actually teaching in Moeller's room, and Moeller is being pretty frosty towards Goetsch. i'm fairly certain the school board is going to have to use almost-military-level force to get Moeller to retire anytime soon). Goetsch is very... dry, to say the least. He looks like Rufus the Naked Mole Rat from Kim Possible (random thought: why can't Hamilton hire any extremely attractive teachers? i mean, some of the female teachers are really pretty, but i just realized there are no outstandingly attractive male teachers. i bet there would be a much higher attendance/enrollment level in even a class like physics if the teacher was an adonis... just a thought, those of the school district), and he is definitely not anywhere close to as entertaining and fun as the rat. I'm going to have to try really hard not to bash my brains out on the desk *EPIC FACEDESK* in that class, but I make no promises. Luckily, I'm usually half asleep first hour, so hopefully I'll be able to absorb information while I'm asleep. [update: i ended up transferring out of physics into spanish ii because i couldn't stand it that much... smartest decision of my life] And, my last two hours of the day I still have a cappella/choir and AP Lang, so I shouldn't have too much sadness/boredom in my day. Okay... I should probably start paying attention to Mr. Roth's presentation about Nigerian Hostages. Dangit. My stomach's rumbling.

OH. OH. I FORGOT. I don't know if Maya still reads these blog posts or not, but HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAYA. I LOVE YOU. I'M SORRY I'M SUCH A HORRIBLE FRIEND AND I ALWAYS MISS YOUR BIRTHDAY. In my defense, it is when drama's in complete freak-out mode, and I can't have a life for three weeks straight... but still... I'M A DESPICABLE HUMAN BEING AND I HOPE YOU HAD THE HAPPIEST OF BIRTHDAYS EVEN THOUGH I FORGOT IT.

Growing Up

I think the worst and hardest thing about growing up is that sometimes, you'll cry at night, and there'll be no one there to hold you. When I was a kid, and I got upset at night, I would purposely make a lot of noise when I cried so my mom would come in the room and pet my head or hug me until I stopped crying and could go to sleep. But tonight... I realized... I am completely alone. Yeah, I have friends and family that love me (i hope), but right now, at this moment, I'm all alone. You dont know how wonderful it would feel to have someone... anyone hold me righ now as I cried little girl tears into their shoulder. But that's not the way it works. At some point, you have to put your man pants on and deal with the fact that nobody is here to help. You have to deal with the terrible, heartwrenching, neverending pain all by yourself, and it is a horrible lesson to learn.

Ramblings of Kira on New Year's

Hey, it's me: the powerful, the pleasurable, the indestructable Kira (no duh, honey. they thought it was benjamin franklin.) It's New Years Eve, exactly 11 minutes until the old year is done... forever (wow, kira. we all bow down to your genius and splendor) This is usually the time of night when I start rambling a lot... more than usual. And today, I was thinking about how this year has been... deep thinking for Kirababy (no, i didn't make that up. my dad used to call me that... :/) 

I think I've learned a lot this year.... for once. I've learned that if you love someone enough, you'll find a way to make them happy... even if you look really stupid and make a complete idiot of yourself in the process. Sometimes you'll have to make a dork out of yourself supporting your nerd friends in things that are TOTALLY uncool.... (because obviously i'm the coolest girl on planet earth) but its okay. Because if you really care about them, the stupid things that you imagine everyone thinking about you... they don't matter. 'Cuz you made your geeky friend happy by letting him show you how to design robots (i say "show you" loosely... i still don't know the first thing about it... he showed me, i never said i retained the information.) 

I've also learned that if you find a friend who will stick by you through insane (slightly disturbing) crushes on boys who totally won't give a second glance to you and parent divorces and new baby sisters and trips to Russia and Russian boyfriends and their brothers that give her great emotional conflict... she's a keeper. And even though you don't get to see her as much as you'd like to... she will forever and always be your first true and forever best friend. And every time you see her, it's like no time passed at all... I love you, Maya Papaya, and I"m so glad you stumbled your way into my life. 

I've learned that you can't make quick judgements about people... I tend to do that a lot... I mean, its hard not to. I used to think that I was alone with my totally messed up family and crazy situations that seem to run into me. But its not true... people are more alike than you like. I used to think that there was absolutely no way a girl like me, a nerdy Whovian and theater fanatic, would have anything in common with someone like a senior guy on the wrestling team. I mean, how diverse can a school like Hamilton be? There's no way that senior guy would understand what its like to worry about his parents violent fights... that he would have to hear his mom tell him that she doesn't know how she can afford to get groceries. But turns out, that senior guy and I had more in common than I thought. Yeah. I've started to learn that I can't make assumptions that everyone else's lives are easy breezy Covergirl-ish. And it's also made me realize that I want to be able to help make lives better... to listen to them and heal relationships that don't have to be over.  

I've made three strong, amazing friends this year. Sure, two out of three of them are annoying, and idiotic, and completely infuriating, but I love them so much, and I wouldn't have them any other way (even though it would really be nice if they stopped talking about that stupid sparkle party. c'mon, guys, it's getting old). I love being your mom/grandma/little sister/whatever I am. Its weird to have friends that I can talk about David Tennant and his excessive sexiness one moment and then black holes and custard and death and the power of emotions and parents and crushes and Kira Confession Night. 

This year meant a lot of ups and downs for me. I think I've come closer to figuring how to balance being strong and letting your emotions color the world. I've rekindled my passion for mac 'n cheese, and I met the love of my life, Steven Giovannni, who is at this moment, sitting next to me without his pillowcase on. Stevie, you naughty naughty boy. I've had crushes this year, mostly on fictional and/or animated men, but y'no, they're crushes nonetheless. I've cried a lot this year, I've laughed a lot, I've sang off key and biked in the pouring rain and fell in swimming pools fully dressed. Yeah.... this is getting really weird. I think I should probably get back to my Disney tv shows that are probably too young for me but I refuse to give up because I'm still 5 years old inside. Peace off, boop. 

Laughed Out of Paris

Do you ever feel like... oh, I don't know. Like you're about to crush on someone and you know you shouldn't, but you almost feel like you can't help it? It's just... augh. It's hard to explain. I haven't had a crush on someone for such a long time, and it's weird.

At the beginning of last summer, my faith in the male population seriously took a nosedive. Somebody I liked (a lot, btw) decided to go on a date with a girl who is... how shall I say this... forward... when it comes to the gentlemen. I know it seems stupid and childish for getting upset over something that I have no beeswax in. I don't even know if they ended up dating for a little bit or what (she got back with together with her ex-boyfriend though. i know that for sure. that's another whole kit-and-caboodle. i won't go into that right now.) It's not the fact that he went out with another girl. There are plenty of genuine, sweet, adorable girls that he could have dated at our school, and I would be a little sad that it wasn't me, but I would be happy for them. It's just the fact that he even gave her a chance. I mean, I thought I'd finally found a guy who was witty and clever and smart and hilarious and very very cute, and most of all... he noticed if a girl was "flaunting it" and he would steer away from her. But no. Of course  not. Because even the best of guys, apparently don't resist... that... easily.

Anyways. Long tangent. Point is, I haven't had a crush on a guy for a very, very long time. Now, I know some of you are flipping back your hair and saying, "girl... 8 months? That's it? Woo hoo, let's throw a party. Little Miss Kira can't even go a year without falling for someone." I know, I know. It's pathetic. And I don't even want to start dating anyone... it's just... crushing on someone is nice. You get the butterflies and your heart starts beating fast when you're near him... and you notice little things about his eyes or the way his hair is so completely irresistible and you want to run your fingers through it and tousle it up... it's sweet. Everything seems... lovelier, and kind of has a golden glow (reading that over again... i guess this is why people tend to call me a hopeless romantic). This is going to sound really bad, but since 6th grade, I've pretty much had a crush on someone non-stop. Before you judge me, 6th-8th grade, it was the same guy the entire time (i think i only had an actual conversation with the guy once or twice) and he was extremely (*ahem* hormonally) glorified in my mind. And I guess since then, it's pretty much been 3 guys 8-10th grade. So it's weird not crushing on someone. I miss it.

I guess that's why I'm even considering that I having a crush on this guy. Believe me, if anyone found out that I was even thinking about it, I would be laughed out of Paris (don't know why i said that... it just seemed to fit there.). I guess the more I think about it, the more ridiculous it seems. I've been friends with this guy for a long time, and I can't imagine life without his friendship, but honestly, me even having an inkling of a thought of crushing on him and him finding out... wouldn't work out. Let's just say... it would end badly. Out-of-mac-'n-cheese-and-apple-juice badly. Makes sense that you're putting it in a public blog, Kira. Real smart.

I just wish that there would be some guy that I knew that I could like. By this point, all the likeable guys are taken... or.... y'no... unlikeable. He wouldn't even have to like me back (i think that's a little too much to hope for.). Just sit there, make me smile, give me the butterflies and blushes, and make me overanalyze everything you say to see if you like me back, and.... that's about it.

Anybody know someone interested in the position?

*p.s. i'm glad i wrote all this down... my thoughts were kind of splattered all over my brain walls, and this helped me put it back in order so i don't do something stupid. so... thanks for listening :) *

Fake It 'til You Make It

Sometimes I forget how easy it is to make people think you're listening. Now, before you label me as a heartless monster, let me explain.

Some days, after a cappella, I end up a little late to lunch and, for some reason, my friends never save me a spot. They save a spot for everyone else and won't let anyone else sit there, but my spot just gets taken for some reason... Anyways. I digress. When that happens, I usually end up by myself at the end of the table (i'll pause here it let you shed a tear for poor, forsaken kira) and this happened yesterday. Okay, I'm not entirely alone, but I ended up next to this girl named Brittany (its a hit or miss as to if she decides to talk to me or not), and another girl named Jordan (she's either reading books that have pictures of muscular men  on the cover, or she's talking about her latest boyfriend) and a guy named Daniel. I like Daniel (he's in my a cappella class), but I think I may intimidate him a little. He's not much of a conversationalist, or, at least not around me. But that day, I decided I needed to talk, and for some reason we got on the topic of dogs. I don't know how or why we decided to talk about our dogs, but we were. idk. And, since I was lonely Kira, and wanted someone to keep me company, I decided to try and make him talk some more. So, I kind of raised my eyebrows a little and leaned in a little bit and rested my chin on my hands, and it worked! He kept talking.... and I got stuck listening to stories about his german shepherd/husky mix. But, I was absolutely amazed at how well faking my interest worked. I know I sound like a really bad person, but hey, its better than awkward silence. Now, this isn't to say that if I look like I'm listening to you, I'm not. 95% of the time, I'm listening. It's just funny that if you maintain a lot of eye contact and keep a pleasant half-smile on your face, and lean in a little, people really open up to you.

Or maybe that's just me.

idk. I thought it was interesting.

Something Sweet

Sometimes making a joke about yourself kind of backfires and makes you seem full of yourself instead. I know that sounds really derogatory, and kind of depressing, but just let me explain.

Every morning a bunch of us weirdos gather at Michael's locker to talk and whatever. It kind of sucks sometimes, meeting at Michael's locker, because his locker is in the middle of the hallway, and sometimes our group gets kind of big and clogs up the hallway, or we block people's lockers. Therefore, we have dubbed ourselves, "The Tumor." The Tumor usually consists of myself, Collin, Fedie, a girl named Dani that I've never introduced to you before, but she's such a sweetie, and Maya and Hailey.... aaaand sometimes Breanna or Emily (i'm trying to remember everyone. it's hard.) and some of her friends and this guy named Nick. Most people think Nick is kind of a dork. I guess that's true. I think one word I would use to describe Nick is: tall. I know, so perceptive, Kira. But really, I come up to this guy's mid-bicep. He kind of reminds me of a much older version of my brother. I guess that's why I get along with him. Okay, now that I've bored you to death with the backstory, finally, I can explain what I was saying before. I ended up in the Tumor between Collin and Nick (which made me feel very short, bt dubs), and then when we had do "condense the Tumor" (we were getting malignant) I ended up between Fedie and Nick (i felt slightly less short). Nick was like, "I could elbow you in the face right now if I wanted to without even trying." And I looked up at him with  my patented "angel eyes" and I said, "But you're not, because my face is just too cute." See, the thing is, I make jokes like this all the time. I don't know why I do. I think I just started making comments that I'm drop-dead gorgeous a while ago, and people thought it was funny. Sooo... I kept at it. I know that I'm NOT gorgeous, and I'm not trying to fish for compliments, because I'm just so blatantly sarcastic that when someone agrees with me instead of the usual, "Mmm-hmmm. Riiiight. Kira. Sure you are," it kind of takes me aback. Nick just kind of looked at me, and he said, "Well, that is true. I wouldn't want to mess up that face. But I'm also just not a mean guy." And the sweet thing was, he wasn't really being sarcastic when he was agreeing with me. Believe me, I know sarcasm. I'm like, the queen of sarcasm. Or at least the duchess. I don't know. It just totally made my day, and it was really sweet. :)

Och, These Infuriating Humans

Old blog post. This is how much I care about you, posting stuff like a month after it actually happened. I was a little too angry with these two lovelies to actually finish this.

I consider myself a people person. I totally AM a people person. But sometimes, these infuriating humans make me SO UPSET. Two of my closest friends are named Michael and Katie. We've been hanging out all summer, and of course, Michael happened to have a crush on Katie. This would be perfectly acceptable, except Michael asked Katie out, she said yes, and she DIDN'T actually like Michael. This has happened quite a few times to Michael, so you'd think he'd be if not used to, at least exposed to being "friend-zoned." Katie was totally freaking out on how to tell him that she didn't want to go out, and I, being the wonderful psychologist-to-be, tried to help her. Sidenote: All my friends turn to me for relationship help. Why? I have no idea. I've never been in one! Anyways, I told her that she should have told him no right away, but now that the deed was done, she needed to tell him how she really felt right away. And I kind of gave her some advice on how to deal with him. This is what I said:

so.. about you asking me out. i made a decision too quickly after you asked me, and after i've thought about it for a little while, i don't think us going out together would be a good idea. you're one of my closest friends, and i love you as a friends, but i honestly don't have the same feelings. i know that's cliched, and i know you've heard it before, but i don't know how else to tell you. i would never intenionally do anything to hurt you, but i think that going out with you and leading you on would be more painful for you than being truthful up front and telling you how i really feel.

Pretty good, right? Oh, Kira the wise sage. We bow down to you and your unexperienced relationship advice. All hail the queen (don't know what that was. it just fit. deal.) Yeah, it was supposed to work out all pretty, with Katie telling Michael she had to go (they were Skyping all during the time she was freaking out to me. Face to face. #awkward), and then kind of gently dumping him. Ponies, rainbows and Cheezits. But of course Michael has to be Michael and not cooperate with what us girls predict, and he HUNG UP on her. Yeah. HUNG. UP. The jerkface. (I can say things like this because I know he'll never ever ever read this blog.) Katie was absolutely freaking out. The great thing is, both of them had a band competition the next day, requiring them to actually interact with each other, and they were really ticked at each other. Later on, I learned that Michael thought Katie's reason that "We're too close as friends to date" was a bad idea. The thing I hate about this stuff is there is NO way to turn down a guy that hasn't been said before. Its hard to be sincere, and not cliched. Or you can just do what I did, and just run away from the guy for the next 6 months. (its an interesting story. maybe i'll tell you some other day). So. She's mad at him for hanging up on her, he's mad at her for not having a good enough reason to "break up" (if you can call it that), and there are no fuzzy feelings in the least. Yeah.

The next day, my friend Fabio is chatting with me on Skype (yes, i live on Skype. don't judge.) and he's complaining that Michael is driving him insane with his broken heart over Katie. Michael and I actually have a very long and heartfelt conversation about our idiot friends, and eventually we make Katie and Michael sit down (theoretically. or should i say, electronically) and tell them nobody's leaving until something gets worked out. I felt like a mom. I mean, I know I'm the mother of our entire friend group (long story), but that doesn't mean I should be enforcing discipline! It was absolutely ridiculous. Michael and I are scolding both of them, and Michael is being a stupid little toddler and saying things like, "There's no reason why she shouldn't like me," and "Just because she's upset doesn't mean she can't talk to me." (oh, yeah, i forgot to mention. at the band competition Katie refused to talk to Michael. he was a little miffed at this.) I was more upset with Michael than Katie, obviously, but I still was upset with Katie because she didn't follow my sage advice and keep talking to him, even though she wasn't very happy with him. I mean, what is with people? I'm just such a good, experienced person to follow. Jeez louise. Anyways, eventually we got them to talk, even though Michael decided to be a jerk once again and leave in the middle of the conversation. The nerve. Finally Katie resolved the issue by telling him how she really felt, and apologizing. Which was what I told her in the first place. SO. Moral of the story is: When you ask Kira for advice for some strange reason, even though it really makes no logical sense, LISTEN TO WHAT SHE HAS TO SAY. SHE'S USUALLY RIGHT. Okay? Okay. I'm glad we've figured that out.

Disclaimer: Actually, don't listen to what I have to say. This is the girl who sits in her room and sings to the Lorax. Pathetic. And, I'm not actually this mad at Michael. I just like to insult him :D