9.22.2014

Written While Procrastinating on My Homework

Lately, I've been thinking about a small dilemma. Over the years I've made friends within two groups; the choir nerds and the nerdy... nerds.

 Okay, I'm feeling guilty about putting off this homework. It's 9:46pm and I haven't done one shred of homework all night... I feel like a bad person. I'll be back to do this when I'm done being a responsible adult.

Later at 10:19-- Like I said, I'm pretty much friends with two major groups; the people I've known since middle school, the really nerdy nerds, and the choir nerds (people i've mostly been friends with since sophomore year). Generally, I hang out with the friends I've known for the longest because they know me the best, and, I don't know, I feel a... loyalty? to them? I almost feel like because I've been friends with them for such a long time, I have an... obligation to give them priority. So I sit with them at lunch and hang out with them before school and Skype with them because they're my main group of friends. But lately, it seems like we've been growing apart. I don't think it's any particular party's fault, but a lot of my friends (pretty much all of them) are math and science people, so they all are taking AP Calc and AP Chem and suicidal classes like that. And me, well, I'm kind of going off on my own. I'm not going about like things like I used to, where we all did basically the same smart people classes, with maybe a few differences, and if one of us was in a class, most of us were in that class too. And honestly, the different-class thing wouldn't be that big of a deal, but literally, the only thing all of my friends talk about is AP Calc. In the morning before school, I walk up to our group and they're all comparing assignments and notes. In AP Lit, they're complaining about how much homework they have in AP Calc. When I see them in lunch, they're discussing the new homework assignment. When I message them after school, they can't talk 'cuz they're working on the assignment. Really, it's not specifically AP Calc that's intolerable, its just the fact that all my friends do is talk about one topic that I have no part of. They could be discussing cheese-making for all I care, but it's just exasperating that ALL my friends only talk about this ONE thing. If I just had one friend who loved AP Calc and blabbed about it 24/7. that would be tolerable too. It's just that I feel like I don't have anything in common with ANY of my friends anymore. Do you know how hard that is to put up with that day in and day out? I used to be able to talk with my friends about TV shows or funny stories or things that made me turn so red my face was practically on fire, but now it's like all of them have been turned into Calc-robots. And the disturbing thing is, I feel like if I would meet them for the first time now, I'm not sure if I would be friends with them. It actually makes me really sad. So, the obvious solution is to find new friends, right? And I have more friends, so I should just go hang out with them, right? Because you should be hanging out with people who make you happy. And that's not how I feel hanging out with my friends. It's like... I was goofing around at lunch trying to get my friends to talk about something than AP Calc, and they all looked at me with this cold look, like they couldn't believe I would disgrace the intellectual prowess of the table with my presence. Last year, my shenanigans would have made them laugh and join in making jokes and snitching food and being generally silly creatures. And it may just be because I'm on a bit of an emotional roller coaster with my special friend of the month visiting now, but I don't think I should feel like an absolute amoeba around my "best friends." It actually made me angry. I'm sorry if I'm not a mathematical genius like you who apparently knows all the secrets of the universe and no longer has a use for such a trivial thing as laughter and happiness now that you have achieved the ultimate enlightenment of AP Calc, but I am far from being an idiot, and just because you seem to have an abacus jammed up your butt doesn't mean I need one up mine too. Okay, Kira. You've beaten that into the ground. Now what are you going to do about it? My choir friends, who I'm also pretty close with, invited me to come hang out with them. And I'm HAPPY with them. They're obviously not slackers, but they make me SMILE and don't make me feel like I've murdered the inventor of the Pythagorean Theorem by opening my mouth. But, like I've said before, I've only been friends with these people for a couple of years. And, these particular people tend to be super over-dramatic about everything. Yeah, they might be really fun to hang out with now, but two weeks from now Sharon is going to hate Maggie because Maggie was flirting with Phillip and, oh my gosh, she can't even sing on key and she thinks she's all that when she really can't even sing on pitch. And now Phillip has a crush on Sharon when Maggie likes him and Hailey hates both of them 'cuz she's Phillip's ex-girlfriend. Sure, that's completely made up, but something like that happens quite often. And yes, they've all pretty much dated each other which just makes life so much better. I just don't know if I really want to involve myself with that. All the drama is exactly why I wasn't closer friends with them in the beginning of high school. And I still feel like I should be loyal to my other friends, because as uptight as they are right now, they've still been there with me through a lot. I just feel like I should be with people that make me feel happy. I should look forward to hanging out with them. And I still do have friends that I think of and smile. People like Maya and Michael and Tyler and Beth. I love spending time with them. Unfortunately, either I don't have lunch with them, or they participate in the Calc beeswax (not necessarily the idiot-feeling part, more about the incessant talking part). This really should be a simple concept, but for some reason it's not, and it kind of sucks. Like I said before, this is probably completely hormonal period-induced angry rambling, but for now, I'm going to say this isn't overreacting? Maybe I should just lock myself in a practice room and just watch Youtubers. They'll always be my friends (that didn't sound creepy at all... ).