Purple Sky

Last night I was pretty upset. I had just gone through an entirely crappy audition and was feeling a little bit like a failure. I had all this pent up energy and anxiety  and I had nowhere to put it and I really didn't want to sit and strain my ears trying to hear what the directors were saying about us, so I went into the school bathroom and sat down in a stall and cried. I know that sounds really pathetic, but it was a good cry. It honestly helped a lot. I was so upset and it felt fantastic just to get my feels out without any "poor Kira"-ing or "its-not-fair"ing.

After I'd gotten myself somewhat together, I went outside, expecting it to be cold and bitter and disgusting out. But when I stepped outside, it was almost warm... and the sky was this rich, glorious shade of purple with a wind that was positively delicious. And I know that a moment like that might seem really silly and insignificant, but it made me realize how beautiful life can be... It helped me put things in perspective. Who cares what part I don't get in the musical when there are things like violet skies and sweet-smelling winds and the peacefulness of Indian-summer nights? I think it's really important for everyone to go outside sometimes and look at the sky instead of sitting inside and wallowing in self pity.

(side note: a teacher's assistant came outside and saw me staring at the sky, probably with a red nose and puffy eyes, and he just stopped and was like... "honey, are you okay?" so, yes, i looked like a complete crazy person last night. but whatever. it was a deep moment for me.)

Hard Things

Hard thing #1: Having a crush on someone.

Hard thing #2: Having a crush on someone who has a girlfriend.

Hard thing #3: Being good friends with the person your crush is dating.

Hard thing #4: Being good friends with your crush.

Hard thing #5: Not being able to ignore the crush so you don't start liking him even more. Because he's adorable.

Hard thing #6: The crush is adorable.

Hard thing #7: He has blue eyes.

Hard thing #8: His girlfriend is constantly telling me about her dates with him because they're really cute together.

Hard thing #9: The crush is a hugger.

Hard thing #10: Most boys don't really... hug... people.

Hard thing #11: Hugging is the way to my soul. 

Hard thing #12: I don't want him to have the way to my soul.

Hard thing #13: He hugged me.

Hard thing #14: I had to give him a half-hearted hug back even though all I wanted to do was bury my face in his chest and have him hold me forever because his girlfriend was standing right there and to hug him would be a really nasty thing to do.

Hard thing #15: He tried to give me a compliment after he hugged me and I had to run off like a rude person before my face gave me away.

Hard thing #16: Stupid crushes.

Hard thing #17: Stupid me.

Written While Procrastinating on My Homework

Lately, I've been thinking about a small dilemma. Over the years I've made friends within two groups; the choir nerds and the nerdy... nerds.

 Okay, I'm feeling guilty about putting off this homework. It's 9:46pm and I haven't done one shred of homework all night... I feel like a bad person. I'll be back to do this when I'm done being a responsible adult.

Later at 10:19-- Like I said, I'm pretty much friends with two major groups; the people I've known since middle school, the really nerdy nerds, and the choir nerds (people i've mostly been friends with since sophomore year). Generally, I hang out with the friends I've known for the longest because they know me the best, and, I don't know, I feel a... loyalty? to them? I almost feel like because I've been friends with them for such a long time, I have an... obligation to give them priority. So I sit with them at lunch and hang out with them before school and Skype with them because they're my main group of friends. But lately, it seems like we've been growing apart. I don't think it's any particular party's fault, but a lot of my friends (pretty much all of them) are math and science people, so they all are taking AP Calc and AP Chem and suicidal classes like that. And me, well, I'm kind of going off on my own. I'm not going about like things like I used to, where we all did basically the same smart people classes, with maybe a few differences, and if one of us was in a class, most of us were in that class too. And honestly, the different-class thing wouldn't be that big of a deal, but literally, the only thing all of my friends talk about is AP Calc. In the morning before school, I walk up to our group and they're all comparing assignments and notes. In AP Lit, they're complaining about how much homework they have in AP Calc. When I see them in lunch, they're discussing the new homework assignment. When I message them after school, they can't talk 'cuz they're working on the assignment. Really, it's not specifically AP Calc that's intolerable, its just the fact that all my friends do is talk about one topic that I have no part of. They could be discussing cheese-making for all I care, but it's just exasperating that ALL my friends only talk about this ONE thing. If I just had one friend who loved AP Calc and blabbed about it 24/7. that would be tolerable too. It's just that I feel like I don't have anything in common with ANY of my friends anymore. Do you know how hard that is to put up with that day in and day out? I used to be able to talk with my friends about TV shows or funny stories or things that made me turn so red my face was practically on fire, but now it's like all of them have been turned into Calc-robots. And the disturbing thing is, I feel like if I would meet them for the first time now, I'm not sure if I would be friends with them. It actually makes me really sad. So, the obvious solution is to find new friends, right? And I have more friends, so I should just go hang out with them, right? Because you should be hanging out with people who make you happy. And that's not how I feel hanging out with my friends. It's like... I was goofing around at lunch trying to get my friends to talk about something than AP Calc, and they all looked at me with this cold look, like they couldn't believe I would disgrace the intellectual prowess of the table with my presence. Last year, my shenanigans would have made them laugh and join in making jokes and snitching food and being generally silly creatures. And it may just be because I'm on a bit of an emotional roller coaster with my special friend of the month visiting now, but I don't think I should feel like an absolute amoeba around my "best friends." It actually made me angry. I'm sorry if I'm not a mathematical genius like you who apparently knows all the secrets of the universe and no longer has a use for such a trivial thing as laughter and happiness now that you have achieved the ultimate enlightenment of AP Calc, but I am far from being an idiot, and just because you seem to have an abacus jammed up your butt doesn't mean I need one up mine too. Okay, Kira. You've beaten that into the ground. Now what are you going to do about it? My choir friends, who I'm also pretty close with, invited me to come hang out with them. And I'm HAPPY with them. They're obviously not slackers, but they make me SMILE and don't make me feel like I've murdered the inventor of the Pythagorean Theorem by opening my mouth. But, like I've said before, I've only been friends with these people for a couple of years. And, these particular people tend to be super over-dramatic about everything. Yeah, they might be really fun to hang out with now, but two weeks from now Sharon is going to hate Maggie because Maggie was flirting with Phillip and, oh my gosh, she can't even sing on key and she thinks she's all that when she really can't even sing on pitch. And now Phillip has a crush on Sharon when Maggie likes him and Hailey hates both of them 'cuz she's Phillip's ex-girlfriend. Sure, that's completely made up, but something like that happens quite often. And yes, they've all pretty much dated each other which just makes life so much better. I just don't know if I really want to involve myself with that. All the drama is exactly why I wasn't closer friends with them in the beginning of high school. And I still feel like I should be loyal to my other friends, because as uptight as they are right now, they've still been there with me through a lot. I just feel like I should be with people that make me feel happy. I should look forward to hanging out with them. And I still do have friends that I think of and smile. People like Maya and Michael and Tyler and Beth. I love spending time with them. Unfortunately, either I don't have lunch with them, or they participate in the Calc beeswax (not necessarily the idiot-feeling part, more about the incessant talking part). This really should be a simple concept, but for some reason it's not, and it kind of sucks. Like I said before, this is probably completely hormonal period-induced angry rambling, but for now, I'm going to say this isn't overreacting? Maybe I should just lock myself in a practice room and just watch Youtubers. They'll always be my friends (that didn't sound creepy at all... ).

Question

Sometimes I watch movies of girl meets boy and they fall in love... and I can acutely feel this little hole in my heart that's empty and it hurts. Everyone around me seems to be finding someone and I'm just... here.

Assumptions

I tend to think that I'm usually pretty good at figuring out how people usually are, and how I'm going to like them based on my first impression of them. I know this isn't looked upon as the best way to deal with people, but it's not like the idea I have of a person is completely set in stone in my mind. I've had a lot of situations when I assume that someone doesn't like me, and it turns out that I was wrong and they actually don't hate my guts. But, I'm usually pretty good at determining how I'll like a class or how people feel about me 80% of the time. It is interesting, over time, to see how I feel after knowing someone for a while compared to how I thought they were in the beginning. So, here goes my first impression of my classes this year: 1st Hour: AP Literature with Mrs. Figueroa Honestly, this is the class that I'm both the most excited about and terrified of. Writing and language skills have always been, like, my thing. I'm complete crap at math, I'm horrible at science, and I'm only halfway decent at any kind of art or drawing. I would say I'm pretty good at singing, but I'm not completely incredible in music, not jaw-droppingly good, and I don't play any instruments. But, in writing and language, I'm always the best. Okay, I'm probably not the best, but language skills have always come completely effortlessly to me. Last year in my AP Language class, I literally floated through it. My teacher liked me because I gave my opinion, whether I was "right" or not. I immediately did really well in that class while the people who were more mathematically inclined or looked at the world through black-and-white eyes struggled. My teacher and I thought about everything in a very similar way, so when I wrote papers that maybe had holes in the logical process or I missed some proof from the prompt or resources, he knew what I was talking about immediately, and filled in the holes for me. We basically operated on the length all the time. However, in AP Lit, I can already tell things are operating on a very different level. Over the summer, I had to write a non-graded for the class (all AP classes in Wisconsin have summer homework, not just Literature) and I was feeling really good about mine. I wrote on Shakespeare, which I love to give my opinion on, and the prompt was one that I liked. I felt like I did a pretty good job. But when I got feedback on it, it was kind of... meh. There were a lot of grammar/directional criticisms on it, and I'm honestly not used to that. That's why I'm terrified of the class. It isn't going to be super easy for me. I'm going to have to work really hard, and I"m not sure my teacher is automatically going to understand me like Mr. Deshotels of AP Lang did. But that's also the exciting part- I really want to improve my writing, and instead of always being correct and never getting major criticism, I'll become a better writer, and that's something I'm really looking forward to. 2nd Hour: AP United States History with Mr. Pechanach APUSH is a totally different story from Lit. I feel totally comfortable in the class. My sophomore year, I took AP European History, and the teacher, Mr. Dorgan, ran his class very similarly to how APUSH is run. I'm much more confident in this class, even though United States History isn't my favorite... I do like European History a lot more. I know, I'm a traitor to my country. For bonus points, Mr. Pechanach reminds me of John Green, who is definitely a very cool dude. :) 3rd Hour: A Cappella and Choir with Spiess I'm really excited for choir. I love singing and I know that we'll be doing really AWESOME music this year. However, right now both classes kind of stink. Because we have a HUGE choir this year (140 KIDS!!!), we'll be dividing into an upper and lower choir, meaning that upper choir is going to be able to hit the ground running instead of waiting for the freshmen and newbies to catch up. But until we have placements, it means 140 of us are crammed into one room. I'm not usually claustrophobic, but being in that room almost drives me to it. And then, in a cappella, we suddenly have all these new people who have never been in any choir class before. A cappella is an upper level class, involving intense, really difficult music. If these people don't know how to count rhythms or read basic music, they should NOT be in the class, no matter how much natural talent their mom says they have. A cappella has traditionally been a junior-and-senior-only class, It was only last year that sophomores started joining the group, and that was only girls who had been taking voice lessons for multiple years and knew what they were doing. This year TONS of people who have never even been in high school choir joined, and it really freaks me out. I just they'll be smart and mature to realize that they aren't ready for how challenging it's going to be and give the group a chance to be amazing. Because the stuff we're doing this year is going to be INCREDIBLE... we're going to Orlando and the music she has lined up is amazing. I'm really anxious to start singing because I haven't all summer (unfortunately, it is frowned upon to break into random song in the middle of your shift), and if I can't sing, I'm not a happy girl. 4th Hour: Environmental Science with Ms. Waineo Last year, my classes were very well situated for Kira's "awake-ness" levels. I am NOT a morning person, so as the day goes on, I wake up more. My first class last year was Spanish II and it ended with AP Lang, so it was nice because I was able to sleep through my first hour, and then by the end of the day I was extremely awake and engaged for AP Lang. This year, I have my toughest class first hour, and I'm dead, but then for science I'm really energetic, but OH MY GOSH the people in the class are So. Incredibly. Dumb. There's a scene in Sherlock where he tells someone, "Shut your mouth, Anderson. you lower the IQ of the room just by stepping into it." I know it sounds mean, but that is literally how I fell about this class. I walked into the room yesterday, and I could feel the stupid fermenting in the air. I'm sorry, I don't have any sympathy or patience for people who choose to be lazy and dumb. I know I've already ranted about this topic, but I feel really strongly about it. These last couple of days have been kind of meh. Yesterday my contacts felt like they were going to pop out of my eyeballs and then I squirted applesauce in my lap, like the graceful lady I am. Today, I made a complete idiot out of myself in front of a cappella when I was supposed to teach everyone a little warm-up song. I didn't know that Spiess wanted me to do it until halfway through class, though, so I just stood up there like.. "Heeey... I have no idea what to heck to do right now... so how was your summer?" Needless to say, I'm not in the best mood right now.

Falling in Love

One of the many things that I love about Doctor Who is that it demonstrates all the different loves you can have towards someone. A lot of TV shows just have the romantic boy+girl chemistry going on, and maybe a little tension between a parent figure and a child, but other than that, the only relationship that is deemed "important" is a romantic one. True love's first kiss breaks the spell because that's an act of love, but the fact that your best friend had to sacrifice everything to get you to that point and put up with your moaning on top of it doesn't count for anything. Like in Frozen, I always wondered why Olaf's sacrifice for Anna didn't count as an act of true love. He was prepared to die for her, to keep her safe. But because it wasn't a boy-girl relationship kiss scenario, it didn't count. Of course, a different kind of love was showcased, but according to the spell's rule, Anna should have been saved as soon as Olaf lit the fire to keep Anna warm. But that friendship wasn't deemed important enough to break a spell. And I don't think that's the right way to go about things. The Greeks got it right. They had a word for "love" in all its senses, including friendship. And all the loves were equal. I love Doctor Who because it puts as much emphasis on friendship as it does on romantic interactions, perhaps more so. A lot of people ask me why I'm not in a relationship, and occasionally people ask me why I'm not really upset that I'm not in one, or try harder to GET in one. I usually just kind of shrug it off, but I think I should say, "I AM in one. I'm in hundreds of relationships right now." Because I am. I'm in so many crazy, wonderful, horrible, heartwrenching relationships right now, and no, they might not be romantically inclined, but they're just as real and true and gratifying as a boyfriend-girlfriend dealio would give me. It kind of makes me upset that society doesn't say that being a friend is as good as being a boyfriend. Everyone has complained at one point of being "friendzoned," as if it was a bad thing. Yes, it might be disappointing in that situation, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with being in love with someone as a friend, because that love is no less real than if you were going on dates and making out. My love for all my friends is SO strong, and I'm not just saying that. I choose my friends carefully. If I ever tell a friend I love them, its not a flippant statement. I mean it with everything in me. Because I don't think people say "I love you" enough, no matter what kind of love it is. I've been learning how to love in a different way lately. For the past six years, I really haven't been able to love my dad in the way I wanted to. It was kind of a second -hand love, something that I remembered and honored but really didn't have a direct link with. I loved him when I was a little girl, and I've loved him over the past six years, but I haven't been able to talk to him. But now, I'm able to talk to him every week, which is incredible. Because I think I'm falling in love with him, more. I'm able to know that he's there, and interested in what I have to say, and geek about TV shows and movies and plays and school, instead of just having to take my mom's word for it. And I love that. I've wanted to be able to talk to my dad about simple things, like Star Trek or cars or work, or complicated things like God and love and futures, and now that I can, it's everything I've imagined. It's an amazing thing. And that's what I mean. You can fall in love with your dad. You can fall in love with your best friend. You can fall in love with your boyfriend. They all have the same weight and importance and impact upon your life. And that's all I have to say.

Well That Was Awkward

I'm an awkward person. I know I am. I admit it with open arms. And that is a huge problem. Because it's so much more annoying to know you're an extremely awkward taco than to be oblivious of your awkward-ness. EXAMPLE: While I'm in work, I tend to put my pen in my back pocket so I don't lose it 'cuz I really love this pen, and I always need it as I'm running around like a crazy person. But sometimes, I put the pen where it's supposed to go instead of in my pocket, and forget that I did it. And then I end up patting my own butt like an idiot looking for the pen that I don't have and it probably looks insanely awkward. And I KNOW it looks incredibly awkward. And people just say... embrace your awkward weirdness! But that makes it worse! Because the more you embrace your weirdness, the more aware you are of the awkwardness that you are, and it's just a vicious cycle that will never be broken. Argh.

Extrovert

So, it turns out that I'm more of an extrovert than I thought I was. I mean, I knew that I enjoy being around people and I don't have problems with things like speeches, but I didn't know how much I depend on being around people to feel happy. The main difference between introverts and extroverts is just one thing: where they get their energy from. Introverted people recharge when they're alone. It doesn't mean that they can't deal with social situations or anything, it just means that they feel the best about themselves and are in the best mood when they're alone. They might have a strong aversion to giving speeches or being in front of people, or they might have no problem with it. The main thing is that they get their biggest mood boost when they get the chance to just chill for a few hours with no physical interaction with anyone, maybe with some Tumblr or Netflix or something. Extroverts are the exact opposite. They get their boost from being around people. And a lot of times, extroverts are made out to be these lucky ducks just because they don't get sick when they have to give a presentation. But extroverts have problems sometimes too. Like right now, I'm having a hard time because my job is extremely quiet. There's no chatting with customers or coworkers, nobody talks unless its about the merchandise. So in the past week, I've probably said less than I would in one lunch period in school. Which would be great for an introverted person, but since my job lasts for 8 hours of my day, and many of my friends are introverts and/or on vacation (I could initiate things myself, I get, but that's one of my few introverted tendencies. I very rarely initiate getting together with someone, 'cuz I feel like they won't want to hang out with me or think I'm annoying. That's another one of the downsides to being an extrovert: you're always afraid you're coming on too strong and people will think you're obnoxious, even though you're just being you.), so I honestly haven't talked to anyone outside my family in a week. I started going stir crazy. I have an extremely active brain, which is a good and a bad thing. I'm very good at thinking on my feet, reading quickly, or problem solving, but when I get bored, doing the same thing over and over (like I"m doing now), my brain starts to overreact and I start going crazy. I desperately start searching for someone to talk to, and this time it got so bad I ended up playing with an app that is programmed to have a conversation with you for TWO HOURS. That's just pathetic. But that's just because I had absolutely no one to talk to and extroverts need people just as badly as introverts need alone time. One tendency isn't easier to deal with than another.

Dateable?

Random thought: whenever my friends are talking about a hypothetical dating situation, to tell a joke or prove a point, etc, etc, I'm always the one who's the girlfriend in the fake relationship. For instance, a group of my friends and I (yes, I have friends, whoah) were talking about how funny it would be if our friend Tyler (who happens to be gay) would post on his Tumblr that he, in fact, had a girlfriend, and see how many of his followers would freak. And who was the "fake girlfriend" in this scenario? Me. I mean, our friend group created this whole messed up family tree where I am in a relationship with probably half of the members... Now, just to clarify, this is all completely silly. I understand we're making jokes, and I probably laugh louder than anyone else because I think it's really funny when people make fun of me (if they're being nice about it. This isn't permission to tear me apart. I have delicate feels.) But, it just got me thinking... Am I always the imaginary girlfriend because everyone finds me really dateable? Or is it because the concept of me dating someone is so ridiculous, it makes the jokes that much more funny? Just random thoughts...

This is For You, Mayya

No, I'm not sorry that I haven't posted in forever and a day and no, I'm not going to talk about graduation because it was really boring and the speeches disappointed me. Like, honestly, I probably could have walked up there and given a better speech than anyone who gave one (except the Swedish exchange student, Anna. She had a good speech.) Anyways, lackluster speeches aside, today was a really good day? Why, you may ask? Because I went to my friend Abi's graduation party and I may have met a guy there. Yeah. Details, you say? All right, if you insist. His name is Marcus, and he's a senior. I actually met him in my Spanish class this last semester, but honestly, I was so out of it in that class that a guy could have been on his knees proposing to me in Espanol Tres and I wouldn't have noticed. He has sandy blonde hair and he's about a head taller than me and he plays trombone and he's on the Robotics Team and on the swim team and BLUE EYES. Now, if you know me, this is old news to you, but, while I have many requirements for a guy's personality before I'll find him remotely "dateable," I only have one physical requirement-ish-thing, and that is BLUE EYES. Now, obviously I'm not going to not go out with a guy just because he has green eyes, but every guy I've ever liked has had blue eyes, and they kind of make me melt. And Marcus, well, his eyes were a little bit gorgeous. Anyways, we talked for a while, and he seemed amazing. He's smart and he likes to build computers and cars and he's into swimming and into band and he's kind of a balance of the jock and the geek. Which, I think is the kind of guy I like the most, because he has to be mostly geeky to even want to hang out with me, but c'mon, the appeal of a sports-ish kind of guy is pretty strong. Once again, most of the guys I've ever liked have this balance. His sister was also along with him, and I know her from choir, and she seemed to kind of adore her older brother, which really says a lot because Katie is a cool girl, and if she looks up to her brother that much, it must mean he's pretty cool too. So. He's kind of a little bit perfect. And then, to top it all off, I was telling a story about how I didn't want to go see this movie with anyone, since I know that I'm going to go alone because I'm going to cry enough to fill an ocean during it and I didn't want anyone to have to see me in that state with snot running down my face and sobs racking my body, and a freshman guy actually asked me if I wanted to go with him (I told him no, if you're wondering), just because I thought the story was kind of cute and funny. I was kind of poking fun at myself, and making jokes about how it's so weird that the freshman person would ask me, of all people, and Marcus leaned in and said, "He asked you because you're pretty." And then repeated himself four times loudly in my face because I apparently am incapable of accepting a compliment and kept trying to argue with him on this point. So yeah. That happened. But, unfortunately, all is not well in the land of Kira. Yeah, he's a really really awesome person, but there are some problems. A list of them? I guess, if you want one. 1) He's a senior. He graduated today and he's going to college an hour away and there's no way I'm going to be able to get to know him enough this summer to actually have him ask me out or vice versa. And, his college is an hour away, like I said before. So that would make things difficult. 2) I'm a complete coward when it comes to boys. I need to know a guy really well before I'll even flirt with him. There really would be no way for me to get to know him this summer unless I put some man pants on and and asked him for his number or something, a feat that I don't think I would be capable of. Speaking of my flirting skills, those are very out of practice too. I haven't tried to flirt with a guy in a very very long time. So if I do try to flirt now, I'm extremely awko taco and I usually can barely speak English. 3) I'm not actually allowed to date until I get into college. But, this wouldn't be that big of a problem because I think I would just have a crush on Marcus, and if things miraculously went well between us, I would tell him I liked him, and wanted to go out with him, and hopefully he would be able to wait one year for me, and we could definitely chat online and maybe get together in a group instead of just one on one dating. 4) This is really the main reason. I told one of my best friends about my possible little crush on this guy, and she told me that he apparently has a crush on one of her really close friends. And she likes him back. So that basically shut down all of this crushing and liking and flirting (badly) business. Because as much as I like a guy, if a girl that I know and enjoy hanging out with liked the guy first, I'll step down right away. To me, a relationship with a guy isn't worth destroying a friendship or hurting someone. So, yeah. That bubble was bursted. Oh, well. I've made it without a boyfriend this far, I'm sure I can make it for many years to come.

Scary Things

So, it's spring break, and things should be pretty good in Kiraland... but, there are two things I'm really freaked out about. #1- my music People who know me understand that my music means a LOT to me. Some may feel that my music means just a tad too much to me. And by "my music," I mean being involved in choir, a cappella, and, this isn't really music but whatever, drama. Over half my day is spent, and I enjoy feeling like I'm good at what I'm doing. Not many people have realized this about me, but I'm actually a very competitive person. I'm not involved in sports or anything, and I flat out refuse to even play card games with my cousins at family get-togethers, just because nothing irks me more than trying and trying and trying at something, throwing my everything into it, and not succeeding. And, in sports and card games, generally I wouldn't be described as "successful." That's why i avoid those kinds of activities-- I just get so aggravated when I'm not good at something that I desperately want to be good at, so I don't even put myself into the situation. It just makes me too ticked off at the world, and I don't really enjoy that sensation. That's part of the reason why I quit band and joined choir. I was last chair in band, and even though that was completely because I never practiced, I didn't like being less-than-impressive. So I joined choir, somewhere I felt talented, and I was good. Or, at least I thought so. Then, freshman year, I tried out for solos and such for choir, and I never got anything. Hey, it was okay, 'cuz I realized the reason why I wasn't getting solos was probably becuase I was up there violently trembling like a leaf and barely squeaking out anything resembling a tune, because I was so terrified of auditions. But, you know what? It was okay. Because I realiexed it was a problem I could solve, and once I solved this little road bump, I would get solos. I'm sorry, it may be conceited, but if I'm going to be completely honest, I enjoy being in the spotlight. It's the way I've always been; I can't help it. It's not so much having the need for people to compliment or like me as much as the rush a performer gets when she knows that she's right-- it's a wonderful feeling. Once you get a taste of it, it's kind of (extremely) addicting. So, I threw myself into forcing myself to stop becoming petrified at auditions. I made myself audition and perform at every possible concert and event I possibly could, to get me over my jitters. I feel like I've learned how to feel with my anxiety. Don't get me wrong-- I still get insanely nervous when I perform. I actually still shake, and I've learned that there's nothing I can do about it. But, I have learned how to ignore it, and hode the trembling. My voice doesn't crack when I'm performing, and I've learned how to hide or clench my fists a little so they don't shake. I feel like I've improved a TON since my freshman year. But, I'm still not getting solos. Which really really sucks. Like, once, twice, that's okay. I just don't fit the voice part. But out of EVERY SINGLE thing I have ever tried out for, I have only gotten solo twice. I'm a person with... shall we say, a healthy sense of pride, and it's humiliting to have innocents friends and familly and mom's customers ask me, "Oh, you're doing Fiddler on the Roof?" or "You're doing Charlotte's Web?" or "You're doing a medley of the Lion King?" "What part did you get?" And every. Single. Freaking. Time someone asks this, I have to reply, "Oh, y'no, Good 'ol Fork #7." or "Spectator #1. I can spectate so much better as Spectator #1 than Spectator #2." or "Potted plant #438." Or, even better, "Really? I'm nobody." And then you watch as thir well-wishing smiles dim and they change the subject, or even worse, they declare, "You should have gotten the lead." Hey, you know what? That would be really cool. But apparently all Kira A. Lange is capable of is grapevining in the back as Potted Plant #438. Sorry to disappoint you. Last week, I had an audition for the Lion King Medley we're doing for our May concert. It went as every single audition I've ever done went. Except this time, I actually felt really really good about it. I was asked to sing multiple times (usually meaning Spiess likes whatever you're doing). I got callbacks. I didn't pee myself when performing by myself during callbacks. I threw as much passion as I possibly could into that audition, and I got absolutely nothing. And it is extremely embarrassing. Because I'm always hanging out with the people who always get solos, so now i have to put up with their (sometimes fake) sympathy. Okay, I don't mean that. I'm happy that they got a solo... it's just... couldn't I pleas just get one teeny tiny one? That's all I'm asking for. I'm just wondering now... do I actually suck at singing? Does no one just want to tell me how badly I did and now I'm living with this idea that I'm good at singing? 'Cuz NOTHING is more annoying that a person who thinks she's good at singing and goes around humming to her self and plaguing humanity, when, in reality, she's complete and utter crap. And I'm so scared that's what I am. So I'm going to write an email to Spiess asking her her honest opinion. Which is terrifying, but maybe I can finally figure out why I keep failing. #2- My cousin recently brought up a blog post about one of my favorite artists, Luke Conard. Last year, he went through a (very public) breakup with his adorable girlfriend, Ingrid. YouTube exploded. Everyone freaked. I was really sad, 'cuz I loved them together. But a year later, one of Luke's old girlfriends actually came out and told the story of how he was horrible and abusive towards her. And then I read his side of the story. It was confusing. I'm pretty upset at him, and I unsubscribed from all his channels. But the whole thing reminded me of my dad. You've all probably heard the story of my dad. If you haven't, go read some of my older posts. I explained it a while ago, I'm not explaining it again. It's midnight, and I have to get up early tomorrow. So, anyways, I recently learned that my mom has been looking up stuff on my dad, and, turns out, he didn't tell her everything that when ton. I don't know exactly what she read, since she didn't want to tell me herself. I found this out at my last counseling sesh. Yes, I see a shrink. My life is fairly messed up. Plus, this shrink is the most adorable old dude in the history of ever. I also found out that I may be able to talk to my dad for the first time in 6 years in a few weeks. 6 years. I haven't talked to him for slightly less than half of my lifetime. Isn't that insane? Could you imagine not talking to your dad for that long, and then, all of a sudden, you might get to talk to him again. What am I supposed to say? The last time I talked to him, he was freaking out cuz I had just gotten my first period when I was visiting him, and I hid it from him, cuz I was really scared, and he kept going on about how I was a young lady now. Now I'm about to get my drivers license. How much more of a young lady am I now? (Sadly, probably not much. I'm still basically 4 inside). Still, He's been absent for most of my life. He doesn't have any clue about any of my best friends, or teachers, or my music issues, or even the fact that I have a dog. What am I supposed to say? What am I supposed to do? Oh, and on top of that, don't forget that I'll be still processing the facts on his CRIMINAL RECORD. Och. My life is complete.... Chaos sometimes. I guess that's the reason God invented chocolate and mac 'n cheese.

Frustrations

Okay. I have a lot to get off my chest.

Once again, its boys. They make me upset.

BACKSTORY TIME (*insert glittery storm here*)

One of my friends, I've mentioned him a couple of times before, starting going out with a girl about a month ago. Which sounds like a good thing, I guess. Yes, it is a good thing. Augh. This is hard. I'm giving them fake names to make this easier. The guy is actually Michael, who I mentioned a while ago in a past post, about a girl again. But its not the same girl again. I'm naming the girl Cassie. 'Cuz I really like that name. So, Michael is one of my best friends and Cassie is an absolute sweetie, so in AP Lang we usually hung out all the time. I guess Michael met Cassie because of me. Yay me. What wasn't so yay, is when they started getting to know each other, they started flirting. A lot. All the time. And I was stuck just watching from the outside. Which sounds really bratty, but honestly, I don't know how else to put it. To prove it, here's an example. One day, our class all went to the library to work on a project, and I was like, hey, lets go sit with Michael and Cassie, because that's always fun. Except... every time I would open my mouth to try and join the conversation to not feel so much like a third wheel, Michael would cut me off. At least Cassie would try to let me talk by changing the topic to something like the movie Frozen (which is amazing, fyi. go watch it, if you haven't), since Michael couldn't really contribute to the conversation, as he hadn't seen the movie at that point. But converse he did, cutting me off every time I opened my mouth to gaze into Cassie's eyes and give his opinion on something he didn't have any idea about. Okay, I was a little upset about that. I locked myself in a practice room afterwards and furiously organized my binder. I guess I was trying to make myself feel a little bit more in control of my feelings. I felt neglected, and shoved aside. But, part of me still whispered, hey, it's okay. They like each other. He probably didn't mean to ignore you. So I decided to set my hurt feelings aside, and try to forgive Michael for being a jerkface (i wasn't mad at cassie for this... she tried her hardest to make me feel included).

Then, Michael decided to make this huge deal to me about how he was coming to the musical I was in (fiddler on the roof. woot.) And I was like... hey, maybe things will get better now. I'm still important to him, there's just another girl and his feelings took over. I was totally prepared to let the library incident go, chalk it up to new love or something. After the play, I would get to see him at the actor-greety-thingy, and things would be cool between us. But then he never came to see me. He spent the whole time flirting with Cassie in the back. And it wasn't just me he was ignoring at this point. My friend Ella was playing in the orchestral pit for this play, and he ignored her too. So it wasn't just me being jealous or anything.

Okay, fast forward about a week. I got kind of sick from exhaustion over the musical, so I stayed home from school. I was chatting with him and some of my other friends online after school, and he commented... "Wait.... you weren't at school today? I didn't even notice." Now, with some people, this would be a perfectly normal thing to say. But I was late to class once by about thirty seconds, and Michael noticed I was gone. He would notice if I was gone a day... except... he didn't. Now, granted, that was the day that he asked Cassie out, but I was still kind of hurt. Actually, really hurt. I tried to be supportive of the fact that he was in "love" and found this great new girl and all that, and I let them have their alone time and I tried and tried and tried. But he completely ignored me. He didn't even notice me anymore. And that made me really really sad. I mean, he's one of my best friends. Aren't best friends supposed to be there for each other, no matter what happens? They've just completely ditched me in class to hang out with each other, and I was stuck not knowing what to do. I was venting to some people in musical, and a girl named Hailey said, "Oh my gosh. You and Michael. You're like... his... his fallback girl. You're who he goes to whenever a girl dumps him." I started to defend myself... and then I stopped. 'Cuz I realized... That's kind of what I am. I'm always there for him to talk to whenever he's single, but then as soon as he finds a girl to crush on, he drops me. And I get stuck by myself, as the very very third wheel.

I started hanging out with other people, since, luckily, I had a lot of friends in that class, and I was like, okay. I can do this. This is what's going to happen as we grow up. I can't be the most important girl all the time. I moved on. I let them fall in love. Even when I ran into them at the movie theater, I tried to just say hi quick and let them have their lovey time, without being rude or anything. And then... they broke up.

Now, of course, I have to be sympathetic towards Michael, because he's still my friend. And I have to be nice to Cassie, because she's my friend too. But now I'm stuck in the middle instead of as the third wheel. Literally. I was walking down the hallway today, talking to Cassie about Youtubers, and Michael came up beside me. Now I'm stuck between them, with Cassie ignoring Michael, and Michael ignoring Cassie, and I'm suddenly the one to talk to now. All the stuff they talked about together, now they're talking about it with me. And before they started dating, that was fine. But now, after I totally got shoved out of the picture just because they were dating, I'm not sure how I feel about it. It's mostly Michael that I'm ticked off at. Cassie tried really hard to make me still feel included. But... Michael totally shut me out. And then after he let me back in, he would just talk about Cassie. And now, he's talking to me all the time. He's telling me every single detail of his life... just to try to get me to talk to him. To try to get me to be his fallback girl. And now that I realize what just happened... I don't know how to react. It's really tough.

Awkward Taco

I've started noticing that I'm kind of bad at receiving compliments. If someone gives me a compliment like, "Oh my gosh, Kira. Your look so cute today," or "Your voice is like an angel," I tend to try to explain the compliment away, by saying something like, "Yeah, I pretty much threw this on this morning, and apparently it looks halfway decent. Woot." or "Eh... you should have heard me in a cappella today. I sounded like a dying frog." I don't know why I always react this way. I don't want to say its because I don't have all the confidence in the world in myself, but... I don't know. I mean, most girls don't look at themselves in the mirror every day and say, "Dang girl... you look fiiiiineeee...." But today, this really sweet girl named Amanda wished me luck on a music competition I have that's coming up this Saturday. It wasn't even a compliment! It was just a really sweet thing to say! But my knee-jerk reaction of putting myself down kicked in, and instead of graciously accepting it, I just kind of shrugged and was like... "Yeah, I'm going to need the luck. Hopefully I don't make a complete idiot of myself like last year." Why did I need to put myself down like that? Why couldn't I just say thank you and move on with life? Its so weird. I should just say thank you, smile, and go about my business, but apparently I can't do that.

*sigh*

I'm such an awkward person.

Stupid People

I have no patience for stupid people.

Now, I don't mean people who are just lacking knowledge. For instance, my grandpa never graduated from high school, and he still has problems reading things well. But it's not his fault. He wasn't raised in a world where that was especially important. You could get off pretty well without a super exclusive education, and he's always trying to learn new things, and he doesn't stop reading articles about philosophy or politics just because he has a little trouble with getting through it. No, the kind of person that annoys me is the person who has complete access to information and the brain power to be intelligent, but they choose not to. Like, all they have to do is use the ear-holes that God so graciously gave them on either side of their face, and, all of a sudden, they would be 500x smarter.

Example 1: Today, my Civics teacher was talking about Cuba, and how they might be opening their economy to more private-owned business (see? listening skills right there). Mr. Roth started talking about how if Cuba becomes more open with their economy, it would open up the.... (here is where he paused to have us guess what he's talking about. it usually takes a while for someone to respond. our class is full of jocks who spend their entire class beating each other up and i usually get caught in the crossfire of a thrown pencil or chucked binder) and somebody blurted out "ORANGES. It would open up the economy for ORANGES." Excuse me while I slam my face into the desk repeatedly. NO YOU WHO HAVE RADISHES FOR BRAINS. It would open up the TOURISM OPPORTUNITIES. I know I'm guilty of saying stupid things in class sometimes, but 1) 97% of the time, it's in AP Lang, where I rarely think about what I say because it's a class where I don't really have to use my brain, and 2) My stupid remarks are usually for comedic purposed (i'm super funny, i swear).

Okay, that last example made me just seem kind of a full-of-herself ultra-nerd, with the whole Cuban economy thing. But I'll give you a better example of an infuriating person.

Last year, I was in a class with a pretty non-intelligent teacher by Hamilton's standards. Don't get me wrong, I liked her well enough. She was nice. But, honestly, she wasn't that bright. But, hey, it was okay, because she was teaching a class full of people with the same capacity. Like, one day we were going over exam on Beowulf, where we were going to be given quotes from the EPIC TALE (not just a normal novel or something. an EPIC TALE) and we'd have to figure out who said the quotes, so that she'd know we read the book and could identify the characters and stuff. Pretty straightforward. But one girl raised her hand, and was like (*insert stupid voice here*) "Wait... how are we going to know who said each quote?" I actually turned around and said something scathingly sarcastic to her. I don't remember what. I just remember it was snarky enough that one of my friends actually kind of whispered to me, "Kira... don't you think you're overreacting?" It's just... I was stuck in that class listening to a less-than-intelligent teacher, and literally I would sit there fiddling with my friend's (the scolding one i mentioned before) and not paying attention at all, and this pushed me over the edge. I was just SO bored and fed up with stupid people.

So. Yeah. Stupid people annoy me. Rant finished.

New Semester

So... I'm sitting in Civics and Economics.... and it doesn't seem too bad. I have Civics 2nd hour, and Mr. Roth seems pretty cool. He's already teased Tim and Erin Russell about how there's no way they're twins and how it would be really weird of they ended up dating (they are actually twins, and it would be twincest if they started dating... ew.), and he's talking to us about his fiancee Whitney right now. So... I'm glad I have a cool teacher for Civics, because otherwise it would be extremely painful. Speaking of extremely painful, Physics is going to be absolute torture. I was actually somewhat excited about Physics, because I thought I was going to have Moeller, your typical eccentric science teacher that everyone knows and loves, but he's getting older so Hamilton decided to hire another Physics teacher (i don't think Moeller is too happy about this decision... the new teacher, Goetsch, is actually teaching in Moeller's room, and Moeller is being pretty frosty towards Goetsch. i'm fairly certain the school board is going to have to use almost-military-level force to get Moeller to retire anytime soon). Goetsch is very... dry, to say the least. He looks like Rufus the Naked Mole Rat from Kim Possible (random thought: why can't Hamilton hire any extremely attractive teachers? i mean, some of the female teachers are really pretty, but i just realized there are no outstandingly attractive male teachers. i bet there would be a much higher attendance/enrollment level in even a class like physics if the teacher was an adonis... just a thought, those of the school district), and he is definitely not anywhere close to as entertaining and fun as the rat. I'm going to have to try really hard not to bash my brains out on the desk *EPIC FACEDESK* in that class, but I make no promises. Luckily, I'm usually half asleep first hour, so hopefully I'll be able to absorb information while I'm asleep. [update: i ended up transferring out of physics into spanish ii because i couldn't stand it that much... smartest decision of my life] And, my last two hours of the day I still have a cappella/choir and AP Lang, so I shouldn't have too much sadness/boredom in my day. Okay... I should probably start paying attention to Mr. Roth's presentation about Nigerian Hostages. Dangit. My stomach's rumbling.

OH. OH. I FORGOT. I don't know if Maya still reads these blog posts or not, but HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAYA. I LOVE YOU. I'M SORRY I'M SUCH A HORRIBLE FRIEND AND I ALWAYS MISS YOUR BIRTHDAY. In my defense, it is when drama's in complete freak-out mode, and I can't have a life for three weeks straight... but still... I'M A DESPICABLE HUMAN BEING AND I HOPE YOU HAD THE HAPPIEST OF BIRTHDAYS EVEN THOUGH I FORGOT IT.

Growing Up

I think the worst and hardest thing about growing up is that sometimes, you'll cry at night, and there'll be no one there to hold you. When I was a kid, and I got upset at night, I would purposely make a lot of noise when I cried so my mom would come in the room and pet my head or hug me until I stopped crying and could go to sleep. But tonight... I realized... I am completely alone. Yeah, I have friends and family that love me (i hope), but right now, at this moment, I'm all alone. You dont know how wonderful it would feel to have someone... anyone hold me righ now as I cried little girl tears into their shoulder. But that's not the way it works. At some point, you have to put your man pants on and deal with the fact that nobody is here to help. You have to deal with the terrible, heartwrenching, neverending pain all by yourself, and it is a horrible lesson to learn.