3.13.2014

Frustrations

Okay. I have a lot to get off my chest.

Once again, its boys. They make me upset.

BACKSTORY TIME (*insert glittery storm here*)

One of my friends, I've mentioned him a couple of times before, starting going out with a girl about a month ago. Which sounds like a good thing, I guess. Yes, it is a good thing. Augh. This is hard. I'm giving them fake names to make this easier. The guy is actually Michael, who I mentioned a while ago in a past post, about a girl again. But its not the same girl again. I'm naming the girl Cassie. 'Cuz I really like that name. So, Michael is one of my best friends and Cassie is an absolute sweetie, so in AP Lang we usually hung out all the time. I guess Michael met Cassie because of me. Yay me. What wasn't so yay, is when they started getting to know each other, they started flirting. A lot. All the time. And I was stuck just watching from the outside. Which sounds really bratty, but honestly, I don't know how else to put it. To prove it, here's an example. One day, our class all went to the library to work on a project, and I was like, hey, lets go sit with Michael and Cassie, because that's always fun. Except... every time I would open my mouth to try and join the conversation to not feel so much like a third wheel, Michael would cut me off. At least Cassie would try to let me talk by changing the topic to something like the movie Frozen (which is amazing, fyi. go watch it, if you haven't), since Michael couldn't really contribute to the conversation, as he hadn't seen the movie at that point. But converse he did, cutting me off every time I opened my mouth to gaze into Cassie's eyes and give his opinion on something he didn't have any idea about. Okay, I was a little upset about that. I locked myself in a practice room afterwards and furiously organized my binder. I guess I was trying to make myself feel a little bit more in control of my feelings. I felt neglected, and shoved aside. But, part of me still whispered, hey, it's okay. They like each other. He probably didn't mean to ignore you. So I decided to set my hurt feelings aside, and try to forgive Michael for being a jerkface (i wasn't mad at cassie for this... she tried her hardest to make me feel included).

Then, Michael decided to make this huge deal to me about how he was coming to the musical I was in (fiddler on the roof. woot.) And I was like... hey, maybe things will get better now. I'm still important to him, there's just another girl and his feelings took over. I was totally prepared to let the library incident go, chalk it up to new love or something. After the play, I would get to see him at the actor-greety-thingy, and things would be cool between us. But then he never came to see me. He spent the whole time flirting with Cassie in the back. And it wasn't just me he was ignoring at this point. My friend Ella was playing in the orchestral pit for this play, and he ignored her too. So it wasn't just me being jealous or anything.

Okay, fast forward about a week. I got kind of sick from exhaustion over the musical, so I stayed home from school. I was chatting with him and some of my other friends online after school, and he commented... "Wait.... you weren't at school today? I didn't even notice." Now, with some people, this would be a perfectly normal thing to say. But I was late to class once by about thirty seconds, and Michael noticed I was gone. He would notice if I was gone a day... except... he didn't. Now, granted, that was the day that he asked Cassie out, but I was still kind of hurt. Actually, really hurt. I tried to be supportive of the fact that he was in "love" and found this great new girl and all that, and I let them have their alone time and I tried and tried and tried. But he completely ignored me. He didn't even notice me anymore. And that made me really really sad. I mean, he's one of my best friends. Aren't best friends supposed to be there for each other, no matter what happens? They've just completely ditched me in class to hang out with each other, and I was stuck not knowing what to do. I was venting to some people in musical, and a girl named Hailey said, "Oh my gosh. You and Michael. You're like... his... his fallback girl. You're who he goes to whenever a girl dumps him." I started to defend myself... and then I stopped. 'Cuz I realized... That's kind of what I am. I'm always there for him to talk to whenever he's single, but then as soon as he finds a girl to crush on, he drops me. And I get stuck by myself, as the very very third wheel.

I started hanging out with other people, since, luckily, I had a lot of friends in that class, and I was like, okay. I can do this. This is what's going to happen as we grow up. I can't be the most important girl all the time. I moved on. I let them fall in love. Even when I ran into them at the movie theater, I tried to just say hi quick and let them have their lovey time, without being rude or anything. And then... they broke up.

Now, of course, I have to be sympathetic towards Michael, because he's still my friend. And I have to be nice to Cassie, because she's my friend too. But now I'm stuck in the middle instead of as the third wheel. Literally. I was walking down the hallway today, talking to Cassie about Youtubers, and Michael came up beside me. Now I'm stuck between them, with Cassie ignoring Michael, and Michael ignoring Cassie, and I'm suddenly the one to talk to now. All the stuff they talked about together, now they're talking about it with me. And before they started dating, that was fine. But now, after I totally got shoved out of the picture just because they were dating, I'm not sure how I feel about it. It's mostly Michael that I'm ticked off at. Cassie tried really hard to make me still feel included. But... Michael totally shut me out. And then after he let me back in, he would just talk about Cassie. And now, he's talking to me all the time. He's telling me every single detail of his life... just to try to get me to talk to him. To try to get me to be his fallback girl. And now that I realize what just happened... I don't know how to react. It's really tough.